Marked By Loss.. Again

After 7 months of kinda trying for Baby Ballard #2…. we FINALLY got that positive pregnancy test!! Well, 3 of them actually — because we just absolutely had to be sure sure, you know?

Chad and I were soo incredibly excited, and of course jumped right into preggo-mode. We were discussing what gender we thought this baby was, which names we were considering, etc… And we had already begun talkin’ to my belly and praying over him or her every day. We were mentally preparing ourselves to be earth-parents again.

But not even a week into us finding out we were pregnant — before any pregnancy symptoms really even had time to start — I experienced some light spotting. The first couple of times weren’t anything alarming. Just some light pink spotting, so it was no big deal.

Then came Saturday.. when I started to bleed a little heavier while I was at work. It just kept coming, and I began to have that uneasy feeling at the pit of my stomach. I felt a consistently dull and heavy ache in my lower back and pelvic area for the rest of the afternoon and evening.. THEN things took a turn and got a little scarier when I got home from work and passed some tissue/clots in the toilet! 😩

I immediately knew that it was NOT a good sign, so I called my OB’s after-hours line & spoke with the doctor about what I had just experienced. He was sooooo nurturing and calming over the phone — which made us super comfortable with our decision to go with a new OB group. The doctor instructed us to hang tight and call Monday morning for an appointment, unless I experienced increased amounts of bleeding and/or intense pain before then.. which in that case, I’d have to go to the ER.

So naturally, I watched my symptoms like a hawk all day Sunday and put myself on unofficial bed rest as much as I could. The bleeding hadn’t gotten any worse, but it also wasn’t any better either… and I was still having dull and achy cramps on and off all day long. It was soo nerve racking to have to wait until the next day to learn more details; I was going nuts!!

We prayed and prayed all weekend that Monday wouldn’t bring us confirmation of our worst fear.. but let’s be real. We are both in the medical field and weren’t oblivious to the ob-vi-ous symptoms I was experiencing. So along with praying for LIFE and a MIRACLE to happen inside my womb, we also asked God to let us down gently and to bring us peace and understanding if that’s what it had to come down to.

Fast forward to Monday afternoon at the doc’s office: I strangely felt calmer than I had anticipated while we were waiting to meet our doctor and have our ultrasound done. But really… it wasn’t that strange because we knew that God had met us there for the appointment.

Our doctor came in and spoke to us a bit and obtained a brief history, then got right down to it with the ultrasound. Our fear was confirmed in the ultrasound: we had indeed miscarried Baby #2.

Oddly enough, the news didn’t sting like I thought it would. Maybe because we had halfway expected it already? Maybe because the pain of losing our baby we’ve known about for 1 week is nothing compared to the pain of losing Noah at 20 weeks? Maybe because God was in the room with us, softening the blow of the bad news? Or maybe all of the above?

Don’t get me wrong, the news sucked. Really bad. And of course I was upset; I’m human! I had a good cry on the way home from the doctor’s office.. and I honestly haven’t felt any sadness or pain since.

It’s weird, but I’m also not surprised. I know it probably won’t make sense to many of y’all.. and I’m sure it’s difficult for y’all to understand HOW I’m feeling okay with everything. The only explanation I have for any of it is: GOD.

I know that losing this baby, along with Noah, is a part of His plan for me.. and these losses are forever embedded into me, who I am, and who I will be. It’s not easy to go through so much loss, but I can tell you 100% that God is with me despite of what y’all might think. The amount of peace and understanding I feel is crazy. I don’t know what His plan is for us — like, at all. But I do have faith that, once again, this isn’t the end. And I know that somehow, something bigger, better, and beautiful will come out of this.

So until the rest of my story plays out, all I can do is trust that God knows what He’s doing and that he is leading me somewhere with all this.

And I’m just so grateful that in the midst of all of the pain and loss we have had to endure this last year… that God still works His little miracles in other ways that most people would probably overlook. God allowed me to have a complete miscarriage on my own, with no medical or surgical interventions needed. All of my reproductive organs are normal and looked healthy on the ultrasound, and my labs are already back to normal — meaning we can start trying again very soon!!

He’s also continued to bless me with a team of amazing angels here on Earth (thanks to the ladies that have been such a huge support to me these last few days, months even — y’all know who y’all are). And most of all, God has blessed my husband with so much crazy STRENGTH — emotionally and spiritually. Chad has been my greatest love, my support, my best friend, and my ROCK through this rollercoaster we call life.

It might sound crazy, but I truly am so thankful for everything God has given me. Even the trials. Because I know that when God finally blesses us with children to keep here on Earth, I will love and appreciate our babies from a different depth of my heart and soul.. and I’ll never take those blessings for granted. Ever. But until the day God gives us our little miracles here on Earth.. I’m happy knowing that we now have not one, but two little angel babies in heaven waiting for us when it’s time for us to go home to meet Jesus.

“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” ‭‭— Isaiah‬ ‭40:31‬

“This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” ‭‭— Joshua‬ ‭1:9‬

“Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me.” ‭‭— Psalms‬ ‭103:2‬

“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me.” ‭‭— John‬ ‭14:1‬