Scared Mama

Today marks 18 Weeks, and Baby is growing right on track!! It’s actually weighing a little more than what my Bump App is saying — Baby is a whopping 7oz (measured by the anatomy ultrasound on Tuesday) All other measurements are within normal ranges, and I felt Baby move for the first time last week at 17 Weeks! Daddy also felt Baby move this past Sunday. It seriously is such an amazing feeling, let me tell ya.

18 Week Bumpdate

But to keep things transparent about our precious baby, things aren’t ALL rainbows and sunshine. The fluid around Baby’s head and abdomen has increased since our last ultrasound, and both our specialist AND regular OB are saying that it’s a very poor prognosis for Baby.

Our specialist Dr. Parker mentioned again on Tuesday that she’s seen hygromas like this resolve on its own without any explanation, and said that “it’s not up to us at this point”. Which she is right.. it never has been up to us. It’s been in God’s hands since before Baby was even conceived! But as a physician, she HAD to also prepare us for the worst… and told us not to be surprised if we didn’t hear Baby’s heartbeat anymore in the coming weeks/appointments.

On Wednesday, we had a routine follow up with our OB Dr. Troy. He basically said the same thing that Dr. Parker had told us the previous day, but he also elaborated on what we would need to do in case there was a demise. Said we would need to come in and schedule an induction and deliver Baby to make it as “natural” as possible.

I could tell by the look in both physicians eyes that neither one of them think Baby is going to make it out of the womb at this point. And the news didn’t hit me hard until Dr. Troy brought up the possible need to make a plan to induce and deliver…

My heart hurt.

My faith and trust in God has been SO strong since we first heard the news of this excess fluid surrounding Baby a few months ago. And yesterday, I didn’t feel strong anymore. I felt scared.. scared for Baby’s life, and scared of what’s to come.

But thankfully, I have an amazing and fiercely faithful husband at my side. We had a long talk about everything and he snapped me out of my moment of fear and weakness. He made me see again that I shouldn’t be scared, and that God’s got me & Baby no matter what. We don’t know what His Will is for us and for Baby, and we can only hope and pray that His Will lines up with what we want. But either way, this is all in His hands.

I was reminded yesterday by Chad, and a few close friends that GOD is by my side through all of this. And I need to once again just put my full trust in Him that he will show us a miracle.Baby Ballard is a special little one, that’s for sure. I don’t know what plans God has for him at all, just like I don’t know what plans He has for me.. or any of us. But all I can do is love this growing baby with my whole heart & soul, and know that no matter what.. God loves me too.

This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; He is my God, and I trust Him.

— Psalm 91:2

With His love, He will calm all your fears.

— Zephaniah 3:17

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