I’m Still Human

Today is one day shy of 2 weeks since I gave birth to my sleeping angel, Noah. Most of the days since then have been good — given the circumstances of our new reality. But there have been some pretty terrible moments and days thrown in there.

The day Noah was born, our best friends and Chad’s parents basically spent the whole day with us at the hospital. So we didn’t truly get to be alone to start processing everything until after we got home from the hospital — and that was one of the most difficult nights for me.

When I came home and saw anything that reminded me of Noah (baby books, ultrasounds, etc) I just started bawling. And every time I saw my reflection in the mirror WITHOUT my baby belly, I cried my eyes out again. And I remember before we went to bed that first night, I sobbed in Chad’s arms because I thought I had failed in protecting Noah inside of my womb. Medically, there literally was nothing I could have done differently to change Noah’s outcome. As a matter of fact, I probably couldn’t have done any better of a job carrying our sweet boy. But at that moment, I felt like I had failed our son. My heart was absolutely crushed.

Middle of last week, I was back at work and doing pretty well. I hadn’t cried in a few days, and I seemed to be coping decently. But I didn’t realize how stressed I was trying to coordinate everything for the funeral home — Super long story for another blog post, but basically the hospital’s “participation” (or lack thereof) in our birth was just terrible.. so I was suffering the aftermath of that PLUS Noah’s demise. And to add more salt to the wound, I spent 3 days searching for where my baby’s body was located in San Antonio because apparently communication isn’t a strong suit with any of the parties involved. So I almost had a emotional breakdown at work. I was so overwhelmed with grief, frustration, and stress.. and it all seemed to hit me at once like a bus. Thankfully, Chad is such a wonderful husband and support system and he took over the arrangements and got everything taken care of with the funeral home.

Then, on Friday.. it was my first day off of work alone. Chad had to work and I spent the day at home by myself. I had plans to go for a walk at the gym, and just go out and about to get things for the house. BUT all of that was thrown out the window when the funeral home called me to set a time for us to go see Noah before cremation on Saturday. As soon as I hung up that call, I just fell apart. I cried and cried all day long. I’d cry til I fell asleep, then wake up and cry again. It was just so REAL to me that I would be seeing and holding my baby’s physical body one last time. It was so hard to think about, and I’m tearing up writing about it. But I was just a mess that day. So much heartache and grief.

And I’m sure it’s no surprise, but Saturday was another hard day. We went to see Noah and say our blessings and prayers over his body that morning, and I sobbed some more. I realize that Noah has already joined our Father in Heaven, and that he’s safe and having the time of his life! But it doesn’t make it any easier to say goodbye to his flesh. To physically hold him in my arms one last time. To see this lifeless baby in my arms, that just a week ago was alive and well.. tucked safely inside of my womb.

A couple days went by, and I felt like I was getting “better” again. I was able to think and talk about Noah without crying. I held our best friend’s baby, and spent the weekend with our toddler-niece and was absolutely fine. I loved it. I was happy. But yesterday at work… I saw a few of my coworkers in passing who are currently pregnant. We were all just a few months apart, and the strangest feeling creeped up on me again. It wasn’t anger, it wasn’t envy… it was just pure sadness. Seeing their growing bellies made me feel so empty because I no longer had a growing baby inside of me. As their bellies continue to grow, mine will not. As they feel their little ones start to kick, I will not. As their bodies continue to change to accommodate to their babies, mine will not. It was so so sad, and needless to say.. I cried the whole way home from work.

I’m not angry with God, and I trust that this is all a part of His plan for us. I know that Noah is in good hands, and he will forever be with us in our hearts. I know that God is here by my side, helping me through this hard time. But after all, I am human. And these feelings are unavoidable, no matter how strong my faith is. I know this will not be easy all the time, and there will be moments that I feel like giving up. But that’s what God is for, and that is also why God gave me such a wonderful and strong partner in life to help carry me through this.

“God’s promise to us is not that bad things won’t happen, it’s that He’s with us through it all.” — from the Grieving with Hope devotional by Adriel Booker.