Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

10/2/18 • Day 2 • Introductions

This May of 2018, we were blessed with the news that we were pregnant with our first child! We were both so ecstatic and were in TEARS when we found out. We are both healthy, active, and take care of our bodies so we didn’t think we would be running into any hiccups. But little did we know, God had other plans for our sweet baby.

At 11 weeks, we discovered our baby had an abnormal collection of fluid along the back of his head/neck, and down his spine — later being diagnosed with cystic hygroma. Our pregnancy was then classified as “high risk” and we had to get anatomy scan ultrasounds almost every week. We had moments where we were so worried and scared about what baby’s outcome would be, but for the most part we were okay. We put our faith into God and trusted that he would take care of everything.

We continued on with the frequent ultrasounds throughout the rest of the pregnancy, and I have to admit.. it was nice being able to see our little baby so often. He was growing right on track and hitting the weekly gestational milestones, despite of the presence of the fluid.

Then at what would be our last appointment with our fetal medicine specialist, the doctor told us the fluid had increased since the last ultrasound, as well as the fluid in his belly and around his lungs (fetal hydrops). She told us that she’s seen these things “spontaneously resolve” before, but also to not be surprised if we come in the next time and don’t see a heartbeat anymore. Through all this, we were still hopeful that we’d see a miracle.

Then one day at work, I experienced some suuuuper minor spotting. Just teensy streaks of light pink that I saw TWICE in a 13-hour time span. Not a whole lot of blood at all.. but call it my mama instincts OR the Holy Spirit, I just felt uneasy about the small amount of spotting all day.. so I whipped out our at home fetal Doppler as soon as I got home.

We searched for our baby’s heartbeat all night (for almost 2 hours) and we couldn’t hear anything. We were so worried that night, going to bed. We cried and prayed til we both fell asleep.. hoping we’d hear his heartbeat when we woke up in the morning.

But around 4am, I woke up to use the restroom and my water broke all over the floor next to our bed. Fast forward a couple of hours and we are at the hospital, just waiting to see what was gonna happen. I progressed SO quickly.. my contractions were getting closer to one another and more intense by the minutes!! And by the time the doctor checked my cervix, I was already fully dilated.

Everything happened so quickly that even the professional team was skeptical. So at 7:31am, I (by myself with no professional help) gave birth to our beautiful son Noah. He was born still…. but still born. 👼🏼💙

Now we have a beautiful little baby boy that’s in Heaven, watching over his mommy and daddy. May you Rest In Peace, my sweet son. Mommy and daddy love you sooooo much more than anyone could ever know!! 😍😘

For other mamas or daddies out there that have experienced a loss of a child, whether it was a miscarriage, a stillbirth, or an infant.. send me a message because I would really like to hear your story. I know it hurts to talk about it, but maybe I can help you get one step closer towards healing and maybe lead you closer to God along the way! ❤️ #endingthesilence

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