Grief

Grief doesn’t look the same for everyone or every tragic event. There’s no “right or wrong” way to grieve.

I have been strong for the most part, and whenever anyone asks how I’m doing.. my automatic is answer is always “I’m good” or “I’m fine”. And I’d say about 75% of the time, I really am “fine”. But the other 25% still lingers in my broken heart.

It’s difficult to relive the details of what all happened. The birth itself, and how my body responded was so incredibly beautiful — I would do all of that again in a heartbeat! But the hospital experience(s) as a whole, and the loss of my first born son will be tragic no matter what.

I still grieve daily. Certain songs will make me cry. Certain thoughts will trigger that lump in my throat. As a matter of fact, writing this now is making me tear up.

I feel that my grief is different though. I’m not angry over the loss of my child. I’m not consumed in darkness or depression. I’m just heartbroken for the loss of my child; for never getting a chance to nurse him, see him smile at the sound of my voice, or hear him giggle or coo. You know, normal mom stuff.

And there’s no telling how long I will grieve for. My guess is probably for the rest of my life. Because no matter how many more children we have, or whatever else my mind and life become occupied with.. there will always be one child missing from it all. But I do believe that it will get easier as time goes by…

I know that God has greater plans for our family, and that He is the main reason why I’m even as strong as I have been. He has been with me every step of the way, and I know He will continue to be. He has also blessed me with the strongest man I’ve ever known, and with both God and my husband by my side.. I know that there’s nothing that will ever be able to bring me down.

But as for me, I will sing about your power. Each morning I will sing with joy about your unfailing love. For you have been my refuge, a place of safety when I am in distress.

(‭Psalms‬ ‭59‬:‭16‬ NLT)